The Straight Poop Dog Humor

FIDO2

By Jamie Wayne*

I was over at my brother Michael and sister-in-law Sandra's house yesterday and I couldn't get over what a ball they were having with Fido. For those of you who missed my last column about Fido, she's their dog, not one of their children. For the record, their kids are named Rover and Spot. And Michael and Sandra don't have any fun with them.

How could they? They're both teenagers.

Anyhow, Fido spent a good chunk of the afternoon in my lap - her usual modus operandi when anybody with a lap drops by - and talk eventually drifted to how come I never got a dog. There's no mystery there. It's the picking up the poop thing. I just can't wrap my mind, let alone my hands, around it.

Don't get me wrong, inside the house I've got no objection to picking up dog poop. I mean, what choice do you have, right? You don't pick poop up inside, the neighbors will start gossiping behind your back, maybe even go on Doctor Phil and rat you out.

The creeps.

But outside, now that's a whole different ball game, sports fans. Birds, squirrels, racoons and skunks are all pooping away like there's no tomorrow and I don't see anybody rushing around picking any of it up. What's more, their poop has gotta be way worse for the grass than dog poop. Their diets consist solely of stuff that dogs turn down and that's saying something, 'cause dogs will eat anything. Fido's favorite is old sweat socks on a bug infested chocolate croissant - followed by a toilet bowl sip chaser.

But, there's an even more critical issue at play here, folks.

I think we're jeopardizing the mental health of our dogs with this outdoor poop scoopin' boogey routine. Take Fido. When she poops inside the house, they smack her with a newspaper. Heck, when she so much as farts she is chased out of the room with a new and improved Dirt Devil. Ah, but but outside, the moment she assumes the familiar squat, she gets a bigger standing ovation than Kelly Clarkson gets when she returns to American Idol. And after she's finished doing her business Michael and Sandra wrap it up with more care than the crack abdominal surgical team at the Mayo Clinic removing a liver for future transplant.

What's she supposed to think? I tell ya, poor Fido's this close to seeing a shrink. But the truth is, my biggest concern isn't how we're messing with the minds of pooches, it's what we're doing to the eco-balance of the planet. Last I checked, we were the top dogs, not them. If anything, they should be following us around and picking up our poop.

Not that I'm in the habit of going on the neighbour's lawn.

At least not while I'm sober.


*Jamie Wayne is a Toronto-based columnist/cartoonist/author/TV and radio personality who is currently pounding the pavement flogging his first TV sitcom while putting the finishing touches on his first animated movie. In his spare time, he plays hockey, jogs, practices Iyengar Yoga and teaches it to kids.