The Straight Poop Dog Humor

FIDO

By Jamie Wayne*

My brother Michael bought a Dachshund for his kids 10 years ago and summoned up every ounce of creativity he could muster - and named him Fido. The reason he called the dog Fido, Michael told me, was because when he was watching cartoons as a kid, though every dog was always called Fido, over the course of his life he had never met anybody who had a dog actually named Fido. He wanted to be the first. (I wish his rationale for calling his son Bertha was as easily explained.)

As it turns out, Michael's wife Sandra wasn't too thrilled when she found out they were getting a dog - in her family, cats were the preferred pets of choice - and she was even less enthusiastic when she found out the dog she didn't want, was going to be called Fido. When it came to giving pets names, she embraced monikers like Muffin, Snowflake and Cream Puff. Unfortunately for Sandra, Michael didn't like pet names that sound like brands of Cottenelle toilet paper. So Fido he was. And Fido he still is, to this day.

Anyhow, like all dogs, Fido has had a life-long love affair with garbage. And sadly, over the years his poor culinary choices finally caught up with him. His stomach had grown so big it scraped the ground making it impossible for him to go up and down the steps of their house and extremely difficult just to walk. So last week the family decided to drag Fido to the vet. I mean that literally. It was either that or push him in a wheelbarrow. Nobody in the family could lift him.

Well, the vet gave Fido a rigorous physical and the results were disturbing: he had a cholesterol count of 350. (For those counting, that's 2,450 in human lipoproteins.) The vet's prognosis: Fido better lose weight or else. I'm not sure which surprised me more: the fact that a dog was going to be put on a diet, or that he got a physical. How the heck do you test a Dachshund to see if he's in shape? Doctor: ''Okay, Fido, I've got the stopwatch on you. When I say go, I want you to chase that '57 Chevy to the end of the block, bite the postman's leg and then race back home and peepee on the brand new carpet. Ready? Go.''

Well, whatever the vet prescribed it's working. Fido has been losing weight quicker than Oprah on the Richard Simmons Diet and I am happy to announce that she can now fit into all her old bikinis again. More importantly, she has as much energy as she had when she was just a pup. Unfortunately for Sandra who was hoping for a fluffy feline playmate for the once again frisky pooch, those dreams have been dashed forever. Michael despises cats more than ever these days. Especially Harvey Katz, their new next door neighbor. Turns out he has a 10-year dog named Fido too, blowing Michael's original dog-naming theory out of the water.

No word yet on whether Harvey also has a son named Bertha.


*Jamie Wayne is a Toronto-based columnist/cartoonist/author/TV and radio personality who is currently pounding the pavement flogging his first TV sitcom while putting the finishing touches on his first animated movie. In his spare time, he plays hockey, jogs and does Iyengar Yoga.